Hurts come in all shapes and sizes.  In fact, we all endure small hurts almost on a daily basis. We’re cut off in traffic. A friend doesn’t return our call.  Our partner eats the last cookie…. the one we had been hankering for all day.

Larger hurts are ~ hopefully ~ less frequent, but they are there nonetheless.  Sometimes we are hurt by those who are closest to us.  Other times we suffer hurts at the hands of strangers. Sometimes we hurt on behalf of those we love. Hurts can come individually or on a community or, even, a societal level.

While most of the world’s religions have something to say about forgiveness, forgiveness is not just a religious matter. There are many reasons to forgive that have nothing to do with the practice of a particular faith. Forgiveness is letting go of anger and resentment towards another person…. or yourself. Forgiveness can be born out of the desire to live life free of bitterness. By forgiving, the hurt (and the one who perpetrated the hurt) no longer has control over us.

Of course, forgiveness is rarely simple. Sometimes the person who hurt us doesn’t ask for forgiveness. Sometimes the pain runs so deep it takes years—or a lifetime—to heal. Forgiveness isn’t pretending that a wound didn’t happen, or acting as if things don’t need to change. Sometimes forgiveness involves accountability. In the case of abuse or violence, forgiveness often doesn’t (and shouldn’t) lead to reconciliation.

In my own life, I’ve struggled with forgiveness. When I was assaulted in 2001, well-meaning friends and colleagues encouraged me (some even pressured me) to forgive. I wasn’t ready and, truth be told, it wasn’t any of their business. For one thing, the person who assaulted me never accepted responsibility, never apologized. But really, the forgiveness I needed had less to do with him than with me. I needed to forgive (in my own time) so I could move on with my life.

Writer Debie Thomas describes forgiveness as a spiral staircase: we circle again and again, creating distance between our pain and the new life we hope to build. As the years went by, I walked around and around that spiral staircase. I eventually came to a place where I could see beyond the broken landscape below. I was, eventually, able to give up all hope of having had a better past. By releasing the hurt, I was able to turn my focus to the present…and the future. Forgiveness didn’t happen all at once but little by little until I realized I was no longer weighed down by the burden of it. I didn’t forget what happened to me. In fact, I wouldn’t want to forget because that experience help shape me into the person I am today.

Forgiveness is complicated. It’s messy and painful and can be beautiful and freeing. Forgiveness can take time and, in some circumstances, may not be fully possible. That’s okay. We are only human. There are lots of good reasons to forgive…. and there are some very good reasons not to forgive… and certainly not to forget.

Wherever we are on our journey of forgiveness, it’s a personal journey. Only we can know the hurts we carry and when (or if) we are ready to let them go. It’s not for anyone else to say. Forgiveness isn’t (just) a religious matter or a cultural matter. It isn’t something we do to make the other people in our lives feel more comfortable or because we were told we have to. Forgiveness is not about someone else’s timeline. It is about your heart, your healing, and your future.